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TAG | Getting to Know Your 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes

**Getting to Know Your 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes is a regular feature on StatJunkie.  This feature will profile every player of the team unanimously predicted to finish 11th in the Big Ten:  the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes.**

Anthony Tucker #1


Anthony Tucker's mouth drops while surveying a vast collection of liquor.

  • Height:  6′-4″
  • Weight:  200
  • Class:  Sophomore
  • Position:  Shooting Guard
  • Hometown:  Minnetonka, MN
  • Nicknames:  The Rainman, The Drunk, Tipsy McPassout

Tucker came to Iowa after being named Metro Player of the Year by the Minneapolis Star Tribune, leading his team to a 28-3 record and a Minnesota state championship.  During his freshman year with the Hawks, Tucker appeared to be blossoming into a star as the team’s leading scorer averaging nearly 10 points, 3 boards, and  shooting 43% from beyond the arc through 14 games.  Yes, it appeared Iowa basketball had it’s next star-in-the-making.  Uh oh! Apparently Mr. Tucker had been taking as many shots in downtown Iowa City bars as he had been taking on the basketball court; A LOT.  In classic drunken hilarity, Tucker was found completely passed-out and unconscious in an alley behind a bar.  After being rushed to the nearest liquor store hospital, Tucker’s blood-alcohol level was determined to be more than twice the legal limit, or as physicians refer to it:  “Verne Troyer drunk“.  Oh yeah, he also had mono.

Tucker would sit out the remainder of the 2008-2009 season after becoming academically ineligible, but would remain on scholarship.  Beginning the 2009-2010 season, Tucker said all the right things, had grown up, felt embarrassed, would take responsibility of his actions’ and wouldn’t do anything else to hurt the University of Iowa.  Ohhhh shit.  Tucker’s 2nd public intox charge poured gallons of gasoline on the Hawkeyes’ fiery-train-wreck of a season, putting thousands of Iowa fans on suicide watch.

Tucker remains suspended for the time being, and no one knows if or when he will return to the basketball team this season.  God knows the Hawks need him on the court; almost more than Tucker needs a stiff drink by noon on a  Monday.

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**Getting to Know Your 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes is a regular feature on StatJunkie.  This feature will profile every player of the team unanimously predicted to finish 11th in the Big Ten:  the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes.**

Brennan Cougill #44

Cougs eyes light up as he skies for a burger.
Cougs’ eyes light up as he skies for a burger.

  • Height:  6′-9″
  • Weight:  255
  • Class:  Freshman
  • Position:  Forward, Center
  • Hometown:  Sioux City, IA
  • Nicknames:  Big Cougs, Cougs

Cougill comes to Iowa City as the reigning Mr. Basketball in the state of Iowa for 2008.  In addition to his basketball prowess, Cougill also holds several competitive eating titles across the midwest.  His insatiable appetite for hamburgers is only surpassed by his hunger for rebounds.  Playing high school ball for Sioux City Heelan, Cougill averaged a double-double each of his three years and led his team to the state 3A championship his senior season, averaging 18.2 points and 13.3 rebounds per game.

Iowa coaches identified Cougill’s weight as his number one area to work on when he stepped on campus.  Hawkeye physicians immediately put into action a substantial diet and conditioning plan and the results have been nothing short of phenomenal.  Cougill dropped nearly 25 pounds in the offseason, the results in no small part due to dietary changes.  By limiting Cougs’ burger intake to seven per day, down from a baker’s dozen, his physique has gone from Jerry O-Connell in Stand By Me, to Jerry O-Connell in Joe’s Apartment.

Being the biggest body on an undersized Hawkeye squad will lead to lots of minutes for the Cougill.  Possessing excellent hands, shooting range extending to the three-point line, above-average court vision, and great passing skills, comparisons have been made to former Notre Dame standout Luke Harangody, minus the thousands of freckles and fire-crotch.  Cougill is still raw and should get better as the year goes on.  Expect about 7 points, 4 rebounds, and about 25 minutes per game for the freshman this season.

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**Getting to Know Your 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes is a regular feature on StatJunkie.  This feature will profile every player of the team unanimously predicted to finish 11th in the Big Ten:  the 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes.**

Jarryd Cole #50


  • Height:  6′-7″
  • Weight:  250***
  • Class:  Junior
  • Position:  Power forward, Center
  • Hometown:  Kansas City, MO
  • Nicknames:  The Beast, Sir Boards-a-lot, The Virgin Slayer

*** 90% muscle, 10% brawn

Jarryd Jerrod Cole, yes his middle name is Jerrod, came to Iowa City in 2007 from Winnetonka High School in Kansas City, MO.  During his freshman year, Cole’s bulk, physique, and sheer intimidation earned him playing time in Iowa’s first 13 games including six starts before suffering a torn left ACL against perennial powerhouse Southeast Louisiana.  Cole would sit out the remainder of the 2007-2008 season, instead opting  to focus on free weight-lifting, martial arts, and snapping the necks of wild grizzly bears with his hands.

Cole, recovering from the ACL tear, eased his way back in the lineup playing sparingly early in his sophomore year.  As the year progressed, Cole clocked more and more minutes on the floor and steadily improved his game.  His best performance came in a 75-67 win over Penn State where he scored 14 points, ripped 11 rebounds, and inadvertently impregnated all fertile women sitting within five rows of the court.

This year, Cole will be counted on to be one of the leaders of a Hawkeye team that contains only one senior and is one of the youngest in the Big Ten.  Still only a junior, Cole is now Iowa’s most seasoned veteran, having been with the team longer than any of his teammates.  He substantially improved the range of his jumper in the off-season, which should open up more options for him offensively.  The extra work in the weight room has definitely paid off, as anyone who has seen Cole this year could easily mistake him for a Greek god.  Look for Cole to increase his minutes substantially and average around 12 points and 8 rebounds per game this year.

Jarryd Cole fun facts:

  1. Cole was considered for the role of John Rambo in the 2008 version of the Sylvester Stallone directed Rambo, but was deemed too physically imposing and terrifying for the role.  Test audiences were reported to consistently lose all control of their bowels when Cole appeared shirtless on the screen.  Stallone would eventually play the role.
  2. Cole has never lost to Bull Hurley in an arm wrestling competition.
  3. Iowa physicians have confirmed Cole’s body fat to be less than zero percent.
  4. Cole can instantly grow a beard by merely flexing.
  5. Cole urinates testosterone.


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