StatJunkie's Hoop Blog | thoughts on ncaa hoops from http://statjunkie.org

Jan/10

2

A Gusto Wind – Breaking News

Rumors of Coaching Changes Fly – Pastner to UTenn, Pearl to UK, Calipari to Louisville, and Pitino to Memphis… New Border State Conference to be announced?

In a tawdry, but increasingly familiar game of musical coaching chairs following recruiting improprieties have arisen. Anonymous sources in several border state cities report a flurry of rumors of coaching changes coming on the heels of a group of UTenn players reputedly being arrested on felony drug and gun charges recently.

Sources of known reliability close to UK and UTenn report UK and UTenn could be entering a bidding war for Bruce Pearl. His ability to attract long, athletic players capable of arrest on felony drug and gun charges particularly appeals to UK, which reputedly wants to take the next step toward an illegitimate national championship, after taking the first step last year by hiring Coach Calipari, reputedly to land explosive, ball screen creators with help from SAT test-taking surrogates. There is no word yet on whether UK will agree to rename the University of Kentucky, as Bruce Pearl University, but sources close to the negotiations indicate that doing so is part of the incentive package being offered to Pearl.

Current UK Coach John Calipari is, of course, impacted by these negotiations. Calipari has reputedly simultaneously entered negotiations to jump from UK to Louisville to double his salary to $10M/year and depart UK before possible recruiting improprieties at UK regarding SAT test surrogates (that he reputedly will not be held responsible for) reduce future scholarships at UK.

Calipari’s reputed attempt to jump to Louisville is potentially feasible, only because Louisville head coach Rick Pitino is now reputedly in secret discussions with Memphis to assume head coaching duties there to escape the on-going stigma of marital infidelities made public some time ago in Louisville, regarding Pitino. Sources close to Memphis officials suggest that they feel Pitino’s mid life crisis and related infidelity could play extremely well with Memphis’ middle aged boosters after less than a year of the so very young and squeaky clean Josh Pastner.

Perhaps not surprisingly, and to come full circle on this daisy chain of coaching change, Memphis head coach Josh Pastner is reputedly (again according to anonymous sources) in secret negotiations with UTenn to replace Bruce Pearl, who reputedly started the entire process when some of his long, athletic players were reputed to have been arrested on felony drug and gun charges. Sources in Knoxville, TN, suggest UTenn officials hope that Pastner’s youth could energize UTenn’s booster base and give UTenn a recruiting connection with Pastner’s father, a reputed broker of long, athletic basketball talent in Houston, TX. Sources near UTenn indicate possible consensus that there is enough long, athletic talent capable of arrest on felony drug and gun charges to take UTenn to the next level.

On a related note, sources also report that UTenn, UK, Louisville and Memphis are in secret negotiations with each other and with NCAA officials regarding starting a new border state conference to be called “The Big Rogue Conference.” The NCAA is reputedly weighing the costs and benefits to college basketball of designating a specific conference where rogue programs are permitted to break any rules they wish.

Developing…
(Note: The preceding post – both parts and the whole – are fictional and are a satire of the current situation unfolding at UTenn regarding four of its players that reputedly have been suspended for the arrest of felony drug and gun charges. The sources are fictional. The rumors are fictional. Anyone misconstruing any of the above as true has been notified to the contrary.)

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